CRA for Dummies
by Orbetol
Summary: Naruto might have to marry someone, but that doesn't mean he's going down without a fight.


Naruto entered the Hokage's office through the window.

"Yo, baa-chan, do you need... something..." Naruto stopped, not only were the Konoha Eleven in the room, but the three fuddy duddy elders were here as well, "... uh... is something wrong?"

"Naruto, please step forward." Tsunade commanded, with a sad frown on her face.

Naruto approached the desk. "This is kind of ominous baa-chan, you're not about to give me some world ending secret are you?"

Tsunade put on her poker face, which wasn't very good considering her gambling record, "Naruto, there is a law regarding clan status when their numbers get too low. It is known as the Clan Restoration Act. When eligible clan members reach the age of sixteen, they are expected to reproduce in order to keep the clan from dying out. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

Naruto stared at her for a long time before turning back to look at his friends. He focused specifically on the clan members. After what felt like hours, he turned to face Tsunade with a confused look on his face.

"Uh... I must have been gone longer than I thought, which clan is in danger of dying out?"

Tsunade steeled herself, "The Uzumaki Clan."

An awkward silence passed through the room.

"What?" Naruto finally blurted out. "What Uzumaki Clan? I'm the only Uzumaki in the village!"

Tsunade sighed, "That's the point, Naruto. You haven't meet any others because you're the last Uzumaki."

"What?" Naruto squeaked out. "But doesn't that mean..."

"Yes, Naruto," Tsunade said, pity evident in here eyes, "you are obligated, by law, to have children in order to secure the future of the Uzumaki Clan."

The once silent room exploded into activity as his friends began to discuss the news amongst themselves. Kakashi was giggling like a pervert into his book, Sakura was clenching her fists in what was clearly rage, Hinata was desperately trying not to pass out, and-

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Naruto suddenly interrupted. The talking ceased and all eyes focused on him.

"Why are you doing this to me baa-chan!? I can't have kids!"

"I'm sorry, Naruto, but the council has decided to uphold the Clan Restoration Act and there is nothing I can do about it." Tsunade answered apologetically.

"The council? They're just advisers! They don't actually have any power!" Naruto argued hotly. "In fact, you hold all the power in the village! You can just not uphold the Clan Restoration Act and nobody would be able to do anything about it!"

"That's actually a good point," Shizune added, "Tsunade-sama, why exactly are you letting this go through?"

Tsunade looked down at her desk, finding it very interesting.

"Baa-chan! Answer me!" Naruto demanded.

"Okay fine!" Tsunade shouted, embarrassed at having been caught. "I supported it too! I was just trying to pin the blame on them!"

"It's nice to be treated with respect." Homura deadpanned.

"What!? Why?" Naruto couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Look, Naruto," Tsunade pinched the bridge of nose, "The Sharingan was a very valuable tool we ended up losing. We never pushed the C.R.A. because your Uchiha friend was too young to get married. After he defected, I came to an agreement with the council to activate the C.R.A. when you returned from your training trip."

It wasn't an easy thing to propose. Unfortunately, losing the Sharingan scared everyone on the council, Tsunade included. The Sharingan had proven, throughout Konoha's history, to be a very powerful bloodline. Naruto's bloodline was just as useful, if not more powerful than the Sharingan. Needless to say, no one wanted Konoha to lose another bloodline.

"Sasuke was too young? I'm too young! I'm only sixteen!" Naruto argued.

"No, you're not." Tsunade argued back. "Sixteen is the legal marrying age in Konoha. It's also the age of consent."

"What? I thought it was eighteen!" Naruto replied, unwilling to believe that this was actually happening.

"No. It's eighteen in Kumo." Tsunade stated. "In Suna it's seventeen. Different countries have different age limits."

"What, so you're going to make me marry some old hag?" Naruto tried appealing to her sense of morality.

"No. She'll be young enough to have kids." Tsunade corrected.

"That could mean anything! She could even be in her thirties! There would be a huge age gap between us!"

"First of all," Tsunade said, "that's a double standard. It's perfectly fine for a woman to marry an older man, but it's somehow creepy if the reverse happens."

"I didn't say that at all." Naruto complained.

"Secondly," Tsunade ignored Naruto, "an age gap is perfectly fine. I've known quite a few couples with a decade or more between them and no one has ever cared. Thirdly, we're going to try to pair you up with someone your age. Just know, that if it comes down to it, there is nothing wrong with an age difference. So, please, try to lighten up a little."

"How can I lighten up!?" Naruto vehemently shouted. "You're deciding my entire future!"

"Aren't you being a little too defensive?" Homura interrupted. "You could at least listen to our reasoning."

"Why should I?" Naruto questioned, calming down a little now that he wasn't talking to baa-chan. "Getting married isn't exactly on my list of priorities."

"For someone who wants to be Hokage, you sure are acting pretty close minded." Koharu baited. "This doesn't bode well for your nomination."

"Ugh, fine. Let's hear it." Naruto said, taking the bait.

"Excellent," Homura began, "as you know, you are the last of the Uzumaki clan and-"

"Wait, hold on," Naruto interrupted, "I have a bloodline?"

"Yes." Homura replied. "Now as I was saying-"

"Then you guys know what it is?"

"Uzumaki, you need to stop interrupting." Homura answered, annoyed at Naruto's interruptions. "But yes, we do know what it is."

"I've never shown a hint of having a bloodline, though. How do you even know the Uzumaki clan has one?" Naruto questioned.

"Because all clans have bloodlines Uzumaki."

"And my mysterious bloodline is apparently important enough to have me married off?" Naruto pressed.

"Yes." Homura said, temper quickly rising.

"If you've been keeping tabs on the Uzumakis in the village, in case you needed to activate the Clan Restoration Act, does that mean you know who my pare-"

"Uzumaki I don't have to for twenty questions!" Homura yelled." Now, as I was saying, letting a bloodline die out isn't a good thing. To remedy that, we want you to have children."

"What makes you think I'm going to die anytime soon?" Naruto questioned, his ego pushing the paternal questions aside.

"Akatsuki." Koharu answered, sparing Homura's blood pressure.

"As I was saying," Homura irritably continued. "Since you're sent out on high risks missions quite frequently, there is a good chance that you might not come back. After all, you have been fighting against people strong enough to defeat the Kazekage."

"Gaara's just fine." Naruto countered.

"He was fighting in the desert, the place where he's strongest, had an entire village defending him, and only went up against two shinobi." Homura listed. "He still lost and was taken from his village. If the mission report is to be believed, he even died. Are you seriously suggesting that there isn't a slight possibility that you might die?"

"Well, when you put it that way, I guess it's possible I might not come back." Naruto reluctantly admitted.

"Do you really want to go your whole life without having a family?" Koharu spoke up, supporting Homura's reasoning. "With S-Class ninjas after you, this might be your only chance to have a family."

"Alright, I see your point." Naruto admitted. "Still, it's wishful thinking."

"Why's that?" Koharu asked.

"There isn't anyone that wants to marry me." Naruto explained, ignoring the pain.

"That is where you're wrong." Danzo said, finally speaking up. "There is a list of candidates that have signed on for reproductive duty in the event that the C.R.A. is ever activated."

"Okay, this I gotta hear." Naruto said in utter disbelief.

"I have here," Danzo said, putting a stack of papers on the desk, "that very list."

It was quite a list of names. Or at least, that's what it seemed.

"Are these women general applicants? Do they know I'm involved?" Naruto asked, not at all believing this many women wouldn't mind marrying the "demon".

_'He's smarter than I thought. No matter.'_ "No," Danzo answered, "however, it does not matter. They knew what they were signing up for. They should not have expected to actually like their husband."

Naruto grabbed the stack of papers, scanning the list of names. The sound of pages being turned filled the room. It's steady rhythm broke when he started flipping through the pages faster and faster.

"Naruto," Shizune called out, worried. "Is there something wrong?"

"No." Naruto answered, a smug grin slowly forming on his face. "Nothing's wrong with this list of civilians."

"Naruto, are you really okay with getting married?" Tsunade asked, not sure why he was suddenly smiling.

His friends behind him listened with rapt attention.

"It's like Fudder Dudder number one said," Naruto paused for dramatic effect. "Akatsuki."

"Akatsuki?" Tsunade asked, confused.

"They're after me." Naruto explained. "They're pretty persistent about it, too. It's not a stretch to imagine that they'd try anything to get to me. Like, say for instance, kidnapping my wife and child for ransom."

"Your wife and child would be in Konoha," Danzo argued. "They'd be well protected."

"Just like Gaara?" Naruto shot back.

"No," Koharu stepped up. "Not like the Kazekage."

"Not like Gaara?"

"Let's be honest, Suna's forces are terrible." Koharu said.

"What makes you say that?" Naruto said, trying to defend his friend's village.

"Well for starters, when the current Kazekage was a child, not even the Yondaime Kazekage was able to kill him. Not him, nor any of his many, many assassins." Koharu put hand to her chin, in an attempt to remember as far back as she could. "In fact, he was never once injured. It wasn't until he came to Konoha that he barely won against a genin who couldn't use chakra and, shortly after that, suffered his first defeat against a genin who was at the bottom of his class and who only knew two jutsus."

"There you have it." Danzo said, pleased with Koharu's assistance. "Our defenses are actually competent. There is nothing to fear."

Well, this wasn't good. They were making sense. Still, Naruto was far from surrendering.

"You're right, our defenses are actually pretty good. How good are they against a more... domestic threat?"

"What do you mean?" Danzo asked, preparing for Naruto's counter attack.

"Well, it's no secret that the villagers don't like me." Naruto answered. "They call me some pretty mean names. I don't think they'll take the news that the "demon" has a wife and child very well."

Danzo wasn't a fool. He knew exactly what Naruto was referring to. It was entirely possible that there would be riots, riots that had existed during the fist few years of Naruto's birth. Any family he had ran the risk of being attacked while he was away on missions.

"So, as you can see," Naruto said, ignoring his friend's whispers of what he meant by "demon", "I can't marry a civilian because she would be unable to defend herself. If not from Aktasuki, then definitely from her fellow citizens."

"Then we'll make sure you wed someone who can defend herself." Homura said, signaling the start of round two.

"So you're proposing I marry a ninja?" This was where things would start getting tricky.

"A kunoichi specifically." Koharu said. "Unless you-"

"No." Naruto cut her off immediately.

"It could work." Koharu continued anyway. "There's actually a jutsu that will let you-"

"No." Naruto repeated.

"Well you could switch roles and-"

"No." Naruto repeated, firmly.

"It's an option, just keep that in mind."

"No it's not." Naruto said, trying to purge his mind of this conversation. "And even if it was," Naruto shuddered, "it's needlessly complicated. It feels more like something ero-sennin would come up with if he was a woman. You'd get better results if you resorted to artificial incense."

"I don't think that's the right term, Naruto." Tsunade said.

Homura cleared his throat. "We're getting off topic."

"Right." Naruto said. "What were we talking about?"

"Kunoichis." Danzo answered, a little disturbed by Koharu. "Since this is a military matter, all kunoichis are on the table."

Naruto's eyes widened. "All of them?"

"All of them." Tsunade answered. "Well, except the married ones."

"If it's not all of them, then don't say it's all of them." Naruto nitpicked.

"Brat." It was a really petty thing to get annoyed at, but it still got to her.

"Since any kunoichi fulfills your requirements, we'll pick one out for you." Danzo said.

So that's what this was about. Danzo was planning on getting his hands on his child. No doubt he was planning on picking one of his root operatives to be his wife. Well, he was about to be disappointed.

"I don't think so, you walking ashtray." Naruto wasn't sure if Danzo smoked, but he sure looked like he did. "I think I should pick out my own wife."

"We don't need you making this any more complicated than it has to be." Danzo argued. "Besides, I doubt you're mature enough to understand what to look for in a person you're going to spend the rest of your life with."

"He has a point, Naruto." Tsunade said apologetically. "Maybe it's best if you just leave this to us."

"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune shouted. "Naruto doesn't even want to get married! You can't force him to get married and then take away what little choice he has! At least let him pick who he wants. Let him choose someone he can grow to love. Let him choose someone who can grow to love him in return."

"Thanks Shizune." Naruto said, touched by Shizune's support. At least someone was on his side.

"I know how you feel Shizune," Tsunade tiredly rubbed her forehead, "but you know that Naruto isn't experienced enough to make tough decisions."

"He's more than capable of making smart decisions!" Shizune argued hotly. "He knows he's too young for marriage which is why he's against the C.R.A.! You can't seriously marry him to a stranger and expect everything to work out!"

"Shizune is right." Naruto added. "I need someone I can trust. I know you've been away from the village for a long time, baa-chan, so you might not know that the village's hatred isn't limited to the civilians. There are ninjas that hate me as well. A kunoichi you all approve of might stab me in my sleep."

"That's..." Tsunade had no words. She honestly didn't know the shinobi forces didn't like Naruto either. How the heck did he survive childhood?

"Have a little more faith in our shinobi forces." Danzo said, hoping to quiet them before Tsunade changed her mind. "If nothing else, have faith in our judgement."

"Alright, we'll involve Naruto in the selection process." Tsunade relented.

_'At least I'm winning some battles.'_ Naruto thought, silently relishing Danzo's facepalm.

"Now then," Homura said, "if you want someone you trust, we'll have to limit our selection to the people you know."

"This is going to get really awkward isn't it?" Naruto said, not at all looking forward to this conversation.

"Don't worry Naruto," Shizune put a hand on his shoulder for support, "everything will turn out fine."

"I can only hope so." Naruto muttered.

"Now then," Homura began, "if I'm not mistaken, Yuugao is single, is she not?"

"She is." Koharu answered.

"Who's that?" Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

A moment of silence passed.

"It just occurred to me that we don't know the same people." Homura said, slightly embarrassed.

"No we don't." A voice rang out from somewhere.

"Er... how about you list some kunoichis and I'll tell you if I know them?" Naruto asked, trying to get this over with.

"Very well," Homura cleared his throat. "Yuuhi Kurenai."

"I thought she married Asuma-sensei."

"She finally married Asuma? About time. How about Inuzuka Hana?"

"That's not really ringing any bells... oh wait... isn't she Kiba's sister?"

"Who's Kiba? In any case, what about Hyuuga Hanabi?"

"I have no idea who that is."

"Homura, that's Hiashi's youngest daughter." Koharu chided.

"Oh, you're right. I'm terribly sorry, I have trouble telling the Hyuugas apart."

"I have no idea who this Hiashi woman is either."

"Hm... what about Mitarashi Anko?"

"Crazy Snake Lady?" Naruto asked, bewildered. "Why would you even suggest her?"

"We are looking for a kunoichi you trust." Homura explained. "She has proven her loyalty to the village and has an exemplary record."

"I guess." Naruto conceded. "But she definitely isn't mother material."

"Why does that matter?" Homura asked.

"As one of the few ninjas capable of dealing with Akatsuki, I'll definitely be away on missions." Naruto explained. "That means my partner has to do the child rearing while I'm away."

"Oh, now I understand." Homura said. "What makes you think Anko-san isn't ready for motherhood?"

"She cut me when we first met."

"Well I think-"

"Homura," Koharu stepped in, "we all know that Anko-san, while a good person, isn't ready for the responsibility that comes with raising a child."

"Fine." Homura grumbled, sore about admitting defeat.

"Just to reiterate," Shizune said, "Naruto is looking for someone who doesn't hate him, is capable of defending herself, and is responsible enough to raise a child."

"This is proving quite a challenge." Koharu said.

"Indeed." Homura concurred. "It's almost as if Uzumaki is doomed to a life of loneliness. Just like Jiraiya."

"Shut up." Naruto said, desperately trying not to fall into despair. "Just... shut up."

"I digress," Homura said, silently sympathizing with Naruto. "I guess this only really leaves your friends."

_'I was really hoping we wouldn't get to them.'_ Naruto thought bitterly to himself.

"So," Tsunade spoke up, "That means Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Tenten, and Temari."

Naruto, having gotten over himself, was ready for round three. "Temari doesn't really count."

"Why not?" Tsunade thought they had a really good relationship, especially since Naruto saved Gaara twice.

"She's from Suna." Naruto said, as if that explained everything.

"Why should that stop her from marrying you?" Tsunade questioned, asking for a better explanation.

"Do you really want to involve foreign politics into this?" Naruto asked. "I know that Gaara would support our marriage, if she really loved me."

"Then what's the problem?" Tsunade had no idea what he was getting at.

"It's just that Gaara's more likely to try to get me to move to Suna, since he knows how Konoha has treated me in the past. Even if he's okay with Temari moving to Konoha, I doubt he's going to let us get away with keeping our bloodline exclusive to Konoha. Since I would be marrying his sister, he might try to argue that we send one of our children to Suna since they're not benefiting at all from sending a Kage's sister to another village. You're potentially making this whole situation even more complicated than it already is. Considering we want to keep my bloodline exclusive to Konoha, marrying a foreign kunoichi is just plain stupid."

"You had me at foreign politics." Tsunade said, conceding that Temari wasn't a realistic choice.

"You know, if none of this is immediately obvious, maybe I should be Hokage instead." Naruto couldn't resist taking a jab.

"Don't test your luck, brat." Tsunade threatened.

"You know," Koharu said, "I think Suna offered her hand in marriage to you once before."

"What?" Naruto said in utter disbelief.

"I remember that." Homura recalled. "It was right after the invasion. The papers must have gotten lost in all the chaos. The paperwork tends to get really disorganized if it isn't funneled to the Hokage."

"So, if you hadn't lost it, would you have agreed to it?" Naruto said, unable to stop his curiosity.

"Absolutely not." Homura said firmly. "They helped Sound murder Hiruzen and countless Konoha citizens. Even if we agreed to it, the people would never have accepted it. There would have been riots in the streets."

"In addition to that," Koharu added, "it's not much of an apology is it? Arranged marriages usually have benefits, which is why they're considered in the first place. They smooth out lines of succession and carry financial benefits between families. Kages are nominated by a council or their predecessor; they are not determined by blood. If that wasn't enough, Temari wasn't getting an ounce of Suna's wealth so neither you nor Konoha would've seen any financial gain."

"So if we married, it basically would've been between two poor people nobody cared about?" Naruto asked.

"In a nutshell, yes." Homura answered. "The whole thing would have been an entirely different story if Jiraiya had been Hokage, though."

"I don't even want to think about that." Naruto felt sick to his stomach.

"In any case," Homura said, "that only leaves us with four candidates."

"Ugh." He was hoping they'd succumb to old age, Or at least forget what they were doing like every other old person.

"I believe the Hyuuga is quite fond of you. What do you think of that?" Homura inquired.

Behind Naruto, Kiba and Shino were busy supporting Hinata, who was trying not to pass out from embarrassment.

"I already said no." Naruto frowned deeply.

"I meant the Hyuuga heiress." Homura said, rolling his eyes.

"Hinata is a nice person." Naruto said, a small smile on his face. "I doubt she wants to be my wife, though."

"Hinata," Kiba whispered, "this is your big chance. You can't mess this up. You have to tell Naruto how you feel." Shino nodded in agreement.

Composing herself, she voiced her opinion with all the courage of a cowardly dog. "I w-wouldn't mind b-b-being your w-w-w-w-wife Naruto-kun."

"There you have it," Koharu said. "She loves you and wants to marry you. Does this not wrap things up?"

"Hinata's just trying to be nice." Naruto countered, completely misinterpreting Hinata's confession. "Besides, she has the same problem Ino does."

"What problem?" Ino said, not at all liking the implication that there's something wrong with her.

"Relax Ino, I wasn't insulting you." Naruto explained.

"It sure didn't sound like it." Ino frowned.

"I just meant that I can't possibly marry you or Hinata." Naruto said, completely unaware of Hinata's broken heart.

"I'm still waiting for an explanation." Ino crossed her arms.

"Why are you getting so defensive? Do you want to marry me?" Naruto said, confused as to why she was acting like this.

"What? No! It's just that I don't like thinking there's something about me that makes me undesirable."

"Ino, you are a very beautiful woman." Naruto said, brightening her mood. "It's just that you have a bloodline."

"Is that supposed to be a bad thing?"

"By itself? No. However, I too also have a bloodline. A bloodline no one seems to want to tell me about, but a bloodline nonetheless."

"What does... oh! I get it now!" Ino exclaimed. "Yeah, that is a problem. Oh well," Ino smiled teasingly, "your loss, Naruto."

"Would anyone mind sharing?" Homura said, demanding an explanation.

"Well, like Naruto said," Ino began explaining, "we both have bloodlines."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Koharu asked.

"Normally it is, but since your goal is to revive a nearly extinct bloodline, it's a really bad thing." Ino happily explained. "Bloodlines almost never mix. In fact, the only person to inherit two bloodlines in the history of the world is the current Mizukage."

"So, if you married Uzumaki, your children probably wouldn't inherit both bloodlines?" Homura pondered, trying to follow Ino's lecture.

"You're absolutely right. Now, you're probably thinking it's not such a big deal, right?" Seeing both Koharu and Homura nod, she continued. "The problem is that we don't know the likelihood that a child will inherit Naruto's mysterious bloodline over mine."

"Likelihood? Wouldn't your children have a fifty-fifty chance of inheriting either bloodline?" Homura asked.

"No, that's a common misconception regarding hereditary traits." Ino idly brushed her hair. "Depending on his alleles, it could be a very low chance that any of our children would inherit his bloodlines. Something like a one in four chance. Of course the reverse holds true, it could be just as likely that most of our children would inherit his bloodline."

"So what you're saying is that we're essentially playing a game of chance?" Homura deduced.

"Yup. It's all luck based. Our children could even have a three in four chance of inheriting his bloodline, yet they could all end up with mine." Ino tilted her head. "Since you want as many Uzumaki children as possible, you don't want him to marry someone with a bloodline. You're just needlessly handicapping yourselves at that point. It'd be best to have him marry someone without a bloodline, that way it's almost guaranteed that he'll pass on his bloodline."

"Good work, Ino." Shizune smiled happily. "You're doing a good job putting your studies into practice."

"Hehe, thanks." Ino preened happily under her praise.

"Shizune is right, Ino." Naruto commented. "You've really been studying hard. All I was going to say was that if I married someone from a clan, then there might have been inter-clan fighting."

"You'd have gotten into fights with my dad?" Ino blinked.

"I don't know. Maybe?" Naruto shrugged. "Clans have their own little rules, like the Hyuuga's dumb bird cage seal. If I married Hinata and we had children with the Byakugan, then they would try to force the dumb seal on at least one of them, if not all of them. Heck, they'd probably force it on Hinata if she left the Hyuuga, since she'd no longer be the heir. Or, if she was still the heir, they'd probably say something like how I should give up my clan and join them. I don't know about you, but I quite like my clan name even if I only just found out about it."

"I can see how the Hyuuga would be a problem, especially since the cage seal would definitely get involved at some point." Ino agreed. "It's been a while since I checked my own clan laws, but inter-clan relationships can get tricky. It's why marriages between different clans almost never happen. You usually get fights over which clan the children belong to. One side will argue that the foreign spouse left their clan so their children belong to them. The other side will argue that the children with their bloodline be sent over because they own everyone with their bloodline. The negotiations are pretty much always pedantic slap fights. For you, marrying someone from another clan just brings up a lot of needless hassle. Yeah," Ino made a face, "not worth the trouble at all."

"Hey, baa-chan, since we established that I can't marry someone from a clan, can you let Hinata and Ino leave?" Naruto gestured towards the door. "They pretty much don't have anything to do here anymore."

"I suppose so, it's pretty crowded in here anyway." Tsunade made a shooing gesture. "Alright you two, take your teams and leave. Ino, remember you're observing a surgery tomorrow."

Ino nodded, leaving the room after Shikamaru, who was grumbling about what a waste of time this was, and Chouji, who suggested going out to get some lunch.

Kiba and Shino were carrying a comatose Hinata out of the room. As logical as Naruto and Ino's reasoning had been, it had done nothing to soothe Hinata's broken heart. She was in for a long recovery period.

Before they could continue, Ino popped back into the room.

"Naruto~" Ino said, in a sing-song voice.

"Yes?" Naruto answered. Was there something she needed?

"If you do get married, I am invited to the wedding, right?"

"Of course you are, Ino. All my friends are invited."

"Awesome!" Ino said happily. "Do you think you'll need flower arranging?"

"I haven't even thought about planning a wedding." Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Though, now that I think about it, I will need someone to handle the flower arrangements."

"Do you think I could handle that? I've managed a flower shop for years. You won't find anyone better than me!" Ino exclaimed, trying to sell her services.

Naruto rolled his eyes, of course this is what she wanted. "Sure, why not? That's only if I get married though."

"Yes!" Ino cheered. "You won't regret it!" She quickly bounced out of the room.

"She seems pretty confident that I'll be engaged by the end of the day." Naruto grumbled.

"You are getting engaged by the end of the day." Tsunade pointed out.

"Don't remind me." Naruto complained.

"Is there anyone you wouldn't object to marrying?" Tsunade asked curiously.

"Mizukage." Naruto muttered.

"What was that?" Tsunade didn't hear him.

"Nothing." Naruto kept his thoughts to himself. Marrying the Mizukage, Mei Terumi, was something he dreamed about whenever he had dreams involving world peace and eternal happiness. Truth be told, his resistance to marrying someone with an age gap was a defense to hide his attraction to the Mizukage. She was strong, smart, caring, and beautiful. If she were looking for a husband, he'd abandon the village in a heartbeat. Or at least, he liked to think so. She was way out of his league.

"... we choosing Haruno?" Homura's voice filtered in.

Naruto blinked. What was he doing again?

"Any objections, Naruto?" Tsunade asked.

Oh right. Marriage.

"Yes. All of them." Naruto answered.

"What?" Tsunade was confused by Naruto's response.

"Who are we talking about again?" Naruto asked.

"Sakura." Tsunade responded.

Naruto looked over at Sakura. She didn't look too pleased at the idea of having to marry Naruto.

"I have a good reason for not being able to marry Sakura." Naruto stated.

"Seriously?" Tsunade was skeptical. "This is the same girl you've been pining over for how long?"

"I haven't pinned over her since the academy." Naruto corrected.

"What?" Sakura said, not sure she heard him right. "You've been asking me out non-stop since... forever."

"No I haven't." Naruto persisted.

"Naruto, don't lie to me." Sakura wasn't pleased with his fabrication of the truth. "Don't you dare lie to me."

"Wait, you seriously thought I was hitting on you?" He was surprised by this revelation.

"'Hey Sakura, let's go out.'" Sakura imitated Naruto's voice. "That's what you said to me last week. How could anyone not think you were hitting on me?"

"I thought it was just a gag we did."

"What?" This was getting stupid.

"You know," Naruto rubbed the back of his head, "I piss you off, you hit me like a volleyball, and I go flying into the air. It passes the time while we wait for Kakashi-sensei." Naruto gave Kakashi the evil eye.

"What can I say?" Kakashi lazily flipped through his book. "I'm a busy guy."

"No way were you joking the entire time." Sakura refused to believe him.

"I'll admit I did genuinely like you at some point." Naruto thought back to his academy days. "I was really depressed when you rejected me."

"I reject you all the time." Sakura argued. "You don't get depressed about it at all."

Naruto stared at her.

"Hey! You don't get depressed at all!" Sakura shouted, finally understanding what he was getting at. "A normal person would be sad if they were rejected by someone they liked. You never seem to care!"

"Exactly." Naruto nodded. "I don't get mopey about it because I never really cared. I just thought joking around about it helped you vent. Considering we never had a serious discussion about it, I thought you were in on the whole thing."

"I thought you knew as well, Sakura." Kakashi added. "Have you ever wondered why I never sat Naruto down to have a discussion about his feelings for you? If he did actually like you, I'd have had to intervene because of how bad it could affect the team dynamics."

"I... you..." Sakura collapsed to the floor. "Everything I know is a lie."

"As interesting as this may be," Homura said, "we need to get back on track."

"We seem to digress every now and then." Koharu noted.

"I wonder why that is?" Homura glared at Naruto.

Naruto shrugged. "Sakura isn't an option either."

"Why am I not surprised?" Homura pinched the bridge of his nose. "What's your reasoning this time?"

"We're still doing the Sasuke retrieval mission right?" Naruto felt like scum for what he was about to do.

"Yes. We need the Sharingan back in Konoha." Homura confirmed, not sure where this was going.

"Sasuke is also the last of the Uchiha, right?"

"Correct." Koharu nodded, wanting to see where he was headed.

"That means, when he comes back, he'll be in the same position I'm in. Since he turned traitor, Sakura is the only woman in Konoha that still likes him. Do you understand?"

"I see what you mean." Homura understood. "It can't be helped. Haruno-san will have to help the Uchiha instead of the Uzumaki."

"Wait what?" Sakura snapped out of her daze. "What about me?"

"Nothing." Naruto said hastily. "We just agreed that you can't be my wife."

"Oh good." Sakura sighed in relief. "Shishou, if that's all, may I return to the hospital?"

"Sure." Tsunade waved her goodbye. "That means you too, Kakashi." Kakashi lazily walked out the door.

"He's going to eavesdrop isn't he?" Naruto asked.

"I wouldn't be surprised if people weren't eavesdropping already." Tsunade remarked.

"It's only been me, so far." The same disembodied voice from earlier said.

"You kind of have to." Shizune said.

"What about me?" Tenten hesitantly asked.

"You're not eavesdropping if you were invited." Shizune answered.

"I-I mean for the whole marriage thing." Tenten clarified. Naruto had good reasons for everybody else, but what about her?

"You're actually the best candidate out of everyone in the village." Naruto noted.

"Really?" Tenten didn't know whether to be flattered or scared.

"Naruto's right." Tsunade supported. "You're a responsible and capable kunoichi who has risen the ranks from a civilian family. If that wasn't enough, you're also Naruto's age. There is no one better than you."

"T-Tsunade-sama." Tenten said in wonder, secretly giddy on the inside that her idol praised her.

"Too bad she's too good." Naruto said, bringing Tenten back to reality.

"Too good?" Tenten asked. What did that even mean?

"Look, Sakura wasted her academy days obsessing over Sasuke and studying books that never actually mattered. It was only when baa-chan stepped in that she became a respectable kunoichi."

"I try to work miracles when I can." Tsunade tooted her own horn.

"Right." Naruto rolled his eyes. "Anyway, combat-wise, Sakura is only really good in taijutsu. It's her medical knowledge that makes her an asset to the village."

"It's possible to use medical techniques in battle." Shizune commented. "I've done it before."

"That's true." Naruto agreed. "However, you've spent many years studying and training. Sakura has only really spent about three years training. She's only a slightly above average ninja, all things considered."

"I see your point, but where is this going?" Shizune said.

"'Where is this going' seems to be a recurring theme." Tsunade remarked.

"I'm getting there." Naruto continued. "Ino isn't very good either. She specializes in medicine," he looked at Shizune, "and her clans techniques. She's purely support and probably can't hold her own in a fight against a reasonably skilled opponent."

"She does reasonably well in her spars against Sakura." Shizune stated, recalling several practice sessions.

"I bet she loses more often than Sakura, right?" Naruto asked.

"She does." Shizune said, slightly guilty about admitting as much.

"Ino is specifically trained to support others. It's not a bad thing, but it also means she'll always need support. It's also not a good thing for Sakura to lose against someone who can't really fight on their own. Even if she only loses on occasion."

"That's true." Tsunade agreed. "I'll have to really step up her training."

"On the bright side, it means even with a handicap, Ino is doing really well." Shizune said, proud that Ino was performing well.

"And finally we have Hinata. This goes without saying, but even with Neji helping her, she's still not that good."

"Naruto, Hinata-sama has improved considerably the last time you saw her." Neji said, still upset that he crushed her heart.

"But, her confidence hasn't." Naruto easily argued.

"And whose fault is that?" Neji said through gritted teeth.

"Yours." Naruto answered. "And Kumo's, I think."

"Naruto, it's your-"

"But it doesn't matter whose fault it is," Naruto continued, not at all caring about Neji's guilt, "because it doesn't change the fact that her lack of confidence and self esteem holds her back to this day."

"Hiashi has mentioned that a couple of times." Homura noted. "It's been a common concern he's had for a long time."

"Exactly. Her lack of confidence has gotten in the way of her performance."

"How does their lack of skill mean I'm too good for you?" Tenten asked, unable to shake off how weird of a question it was.

"You are a legitimately good kunoichi, Tenten." Naruto stated a fact, not really intending to praise her. "You didn't waste any time while in the Academy, you don't have any hang ups, and you were taught by Gai-sensei, the greatest taijutsu master we have. Under his tutelage, he turned someone with no talent into a formidable shinobi." Naruto gave Lee a nod of acknowledgment. "There is no doubt he turned you into a great kunoichi. In fact, I would go so far as to say that you are the best up-and-coming kunoichi we've had in ages."

Tenten blushed. If he continued praising her like this, she might actually consider marrying him. After all, no one ever really gave her much credit. It was largely due to the fact that she had to play long distance support. Everyone else on her team, Gai-sensei included, was a close combat specialist with no mid-to long range skills. As the only one on the team with long range techniques, she had to support the others, regardless of her own proficiency in close range combat. It resulted in everyone paying attention to Lee, a zero to hero, and Neji, a Hyuuga genius. No one gave her, the weapon master, much thought because of it.

"It's because of her skill," Naruto continued, snapping Tenten out of her thoughts, "that we shouldn't even consider her a candidate."

"Are you seriously suggesting that we shouldn't pick her because she'd be too good at protecting herself?" Homura was bewildered by Naruto's train of thought.

"No." Naruto shook his head. "We shouldn't consider her because she's the only rising kunoichi we have that's worth a damn. It would be a horrible crime to extinguish her talents in favor of popping out kids."

"That's a little dramatic, don't you think?" Homura disagreed. "I think you're making her out to be more skilled than she actually is."

Unfortunately for Homura, Naruto's argument had won over every woman in the room.

"No, Homura, he has a point." Koharu said. "We shouldn't bench talent."

"I agree." Shizune added. "Tenten is a valuable kunoichi. We can't possibly consider putting her on maternity leave."

"Believe me," Tsunade said, supporting Naruto's argument, "we need all the skilled kunoichis we can get. My reputation boosted kunoichi numbers for a while, but we have kids being born who don't know anything about the previous wars. We need a new role model for the next generation of kunoichis and I believe Tenten will fit that role perfectly, like I once did."

"No one likes a sausage fest." The disembodied voice added.

Tenten was sniffling. She honestly didn't know everyone thought so highly of her. Tsunade-sama even said she was practically her successor! This was all she really wanted as a kunoichi. Just a little recognition for her efforts.

Naruto drew her into a hug. "Don't cry, Tenten." Naruto gently stroked her back. "If it means anything, I'm very sorry."

"F-For what?" Tenten sniffled into his chest.

"I'm sorry I crushed your dreams of marrying me." Naruto said jokingly.

Tenten let out a giggle, her tears stopping. She reached up and pinched his nose. "You're a dork."

"I nose." Naruto replied.

"Boo." Tenten playfully disapproved of his pun. She took a step back, breaking the hug.

"Okay we're done here, Tenten." Naruto grinned. "See you soon."

"Right back at ya." Tenten ushered Neji and Lee out of the room. "Don't forget we're sparring next week!"

"I know, I know." Naruto confirmed, waving her farewell.

"Since I appear to have been outvoted," Homura grumpily noted, "that leaves... no one. There is absolutely no one left for you to marry."

"Would you look at that?" Naruto said smugly. "I beat the Clan Restoration Act."

"No," Koharu denied, "that just put us back at square one."

"Can't you all just admit that having me get married right now is a terrible idea?" Naruto implored.

"The timing will never be ideal." Homura looked at Naruto sternly. "It's best we get this out of the way now. We don't want to wake up and hear that a bloodline has been lost to us forever."

"Oh come on!" Naruto desperately wailed. "I just got through explaining why I'll be single the rest of my life! Don't you think I want a family!?"

"Naruto..." Tsunade tried to interrupt him before he could start ranting, but she was too late.

"I want to get married and have a family!" Naruto turned hysterical in the blink of an eye. It seemed, that for all his logic and reasoning, arguing against his own chances for a family had really bothered him. "I want to come home to a hot meal and a loving wife! I want to embrace my child and talk about their day! I want to sleep next to my wife, so I can have someone to hold if I ever feel alone! I want, for the first time in my life, to have a family that loves me! Even more, I want someone to love! I-"

Naruto's ranting was suddenly stopped. Shizune had embraced him. "It's okay, Naruto." She rubbed his back soothingly. "You'll have a loving family, don't worry."

"S-Shizune." Naruto moaned pitifully. His entire body shook silently. He slowly and shakily returned her hug.

"We all love you, Naruto." Shizune comforted. "You're never truly alone."

"Shizune is right," Tsunade said softly. "You're not alone. We're all here for you."

Homura and Koharu looked at each, unsure of what to say. After all, they didn't actually care much for Naruto.

"T-Thanks." Naruto said, steadily recomposing himself. "I'm sorry. I... I don't know what came over me."

"You've been hiding your pain haven't you?" Shizune gently admonished. "Don't do that, Naruto. You need to open up, if you never want to feel alone."

"I-I know. It's just..." Naruto struggled to find the right words, "... hard sometimes."

"I'll always be here for you, Naruto." Shizune said, trying to soothe him. "When it feels like you can never reach someone, I'll be here to hold you."

"We all will." Tsunade agreed, concerned for her adoptive little brother.

It was a fitting end to this meeting, Danzo mused. The Uzumaki boy had come in alone, and while he never did find someone to love, he ended up being closer to the people who already loved him more than ever.

Unfortunately for the boy, if he had to lose, then so did he.

"Strong, responsible, and without a bloodline." Danzo said, preparing to serve his new found ace in the hole. "Those are the qualities for the woman you are set to marry."

Naruto stilled. He didn't actually have someone in mind... right?

"Hokage-sama." Danzo said diplomatically, "does your assistant not fulfill all the requirements for Uzumaki's bride-to-be?"

The room was so quiet that you could hear a ninja's footsteps.

"I... guess she does." Tsunade answered after moment. "She really isn't up for candidacy, though."

"Why is that?" Danzo pressed.

"Because she's my assistant." Tsunade firmly responded. "I need her here helping me or else this whole place would fall apart."

"What do her duties entail exactly?"

"She organizes paperwork, sets up appointments, composes the guard duty rotations, files-" Tsunade listed countless duties Shizune performed regularly. It was honestly quite a lot of work.

"This is secretarial work." Danzo pointed out. "This could be accomplished by anyone. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, you have two apprentices who have been slowly taking over some of your assistant's duties."

"They have been taking over some of her work." Tsunade admitted.

"You could even hire more people if you needed to. It'd certainly help get the work done faster."

"I don't know..." Tsunade said uncertainly. "Shizune is also expected at the hospital."

"The hospital has a nursery." Danzo argued. "Besides, hospital work is a domestic duty. She wouldn't be far away from her child on a regular basis, unlike Uzumaki. Also, when Uzumaki returns, she could leave their child with him while she goes to the hospital."

"I still don't know," Tsunade said, tapping a pen against the desk, "even if she does work less, or goes on maternity leave, she's one of our best doctors."

"The hospital is well staffed and highly trained." Danzo looked out the window, gazing at the hospital. "You've made sure of that. In addition, you have two other apprentices who are licensed physicians. We have, by far, the best health care in the entire elemental nations. Losing one of our lead doctors is regrettable, but it's hardly anything to be concerned about." Danzo tilted his head, a thought suddenly occurred to him. "Isn't your assistant technically already on leave?"

"I think I'd know if she was." Tsunade challenged.

"In between being your secretary, tutoring your apprentices, and going on missions, she doesn't have the time to actually treat patients, right?"

"Now that you mention it, she hasn't been assigned any patients in a long time." Tsunade said, trying to recall the last time Shizune treated someone.

"There you have it." Danzo said. "She carries no bloodline, so Uzumaki's bloodline is guaranteed to pass on. Having been trained by a Sannin, she is a formidable kunoichi and is able to defend herself from any threat. She is responsible, being able to juggle many duties and still perform each one admirably. She is also a talented doctor, so she knows exactly how to safely raise a child."

"Indeed," Danzo said, sounding pleased with himself, "she is the best possible wife Uzumaki could ever hope for."

"I guess you're right." Tsunade was still hesitant. All she needed was one more push...

"It is regrettable that she won't be around to confiscate your alcohol." Danzo said with faux disapproval. "But, considering Uzumaki's sudden outburst and your asssistant's promise to him, it's a small price to pay for the emotional support Uzumaki needs. After all," Danzo turned, really sounding please with himself, "she did say she loved him and would always be there for him." He knew she meant it in the platonic sense, but it was still technically true.

Naruto would never know if it was Tsunade's concern for him, or the thought of unrestricted binge drinking, that got her to say the following:

"Very well. For the sake of Konoha, I hereby propose that Shizune Katō , be wed to Naruto Uzumaki. All those in favor, say 'aye'!"

"Aye!" Voted all three fudder dudders.

The hug between Shizune and Naruto, which had initially been out of concern and comfort, had grown blazing hot. Naruto had never felt so hot in his life. Shizune's touch was burning him. No doubt she felt the same way about the sudden reversal. Nervousness, apprehension, and embarrassment coursed between them. Worse yet, neither of them had the courage to break the hug, and look the other in the face.

After what seemed like an eternity, Shizune gathered enough courage to take the first step in their new life together, as husband and wife.

"Um... N-Naruto?" She said shyly.

"Y-Yeah?" Naruto answered back uncertainly.

"I... I'm not living in your apartment." She confessed.

Naruto swallowed nervously. "Would... would you like to go house hunting with me?"

Shizune gave him a small nod. "I'd like that."

_Fin._

* * *

For anyone that feels like reading any future stories I publish, the end of any given chapter is where I'll leave my comments on the story. This will be where I usually answer questions or, more importantly, where I discuss my design decisions. So if you're not interested in my design, you can just leave right now. It's a lot better than being at the top. I've actually seen stories where people post huge Author's Notes right at the top. That's not the place for it. Save your verbal garbage for the very end, so people can just skip it.

Oh yeah, disclaimers don't do anything for fanfictions. It doesn't stop legal action if the source material owners decide to take down your stuff. It's kind of odd how everyone has one even though it's completely useless. So, in case you were wondering, this is why I didn't give one.

Anyway, this story came to me when I was browsing through stuff to read. Naruto, in your usual CRA fic, has to marry someone for the sake of keeping his bloodline around. Typically, they do it when he's thirteen, which is really creepy. Sixteen was the absolute lowest I could go without feeling like too much like a creep. Tsunade talking about how age gaps don't really matter is kind of a scummy concept, but in practice no one really bats an eye. In my case, I know friends whose parents are a decade or so apart. They don't find it strange in slightest and neither does anyone else who knows about it.

The whole idea of this fic is to find out who Naruto would end up with in the event of the CRA. Hopefully, my reasoning was authentic and believable enough to convince you who he would and wouldn't end up with. Hinata and Ino were the easiest to disqualify. Followed by the civilians and Sakura. Tenten was really tricky, in fact, she was who he ended up with when I first thought of this story. Benching talent, I feel, was a good reason to disqualify her in the end. There's nothing more self insulting than to squander your own talents. After I came up with that, Naruto ended up with nobody. He beat the CRA and lived happily ever alone. Then after thinking about age gaps in practice, I couldn't really disqualify Shizune anymore and that's how she ended up being chosen.

Also, I apologize if the beginning is kind of weird. It's a holdover from the first draft so it might seem out of place. It's serviceable, even if I'm not proud of it, though. There's also this weird thing where I put a macron on Shizune's last name, but didn't do it for the word "Hyuuga". I couldn't really be bothered, since you'd spell "Hyuuga" with two u's if don't use the macron. It's not really worth the effort, since it's the same thing in the end. At least I think so. It's been a while since I brushed up on foreign languages I know absolutely nothing about.

There isn't much to say, since the characters do most of the explaining themselves. I don't really have any preferred pairings, I'm more supportive of the idea that pairings should support the narrative. Since this story was humor based on logic, Naruto/Shizune was the only pairing I could really use. The Mizukage thing, by the way, was there for fun. It's kind of out of place, but I this isn't really a serious work. It's just for fun. I will say it's the premise for my next story. So, keep an eye out if you liked this one.

On a side note, I have no idea who Naruto ends up with or how the series even ends. I stopped paying attention to the series when it was hemorrhaging bad design everywhere. I've heard some people say he marries Hinata and I've heard others say he marries Sakura. If you've read this far, can you do me a favor and lie about who he ends up with? I really don't want to know the real answer. It's just so depressing how a series with such great promise ended up. Er also, if he dies at the end, lie about that too.


End file.
